Transitions...to a filmmaker

Lately I've been all over the place with my goal of becoming a filmmaker. I've done a bad job of keeping y'all in the loop. Right now, as most of you know, I'm thinking about Law School. I can't really explain when or why I thought this would be a good idea. It was like a seed of a thought that kept growing in my mind and then one day, I said it out loud.

Once you say something out loud, it becomes real...

I've been interning with a company called Kartemquin Films. They are known for the film Hoop Dreams. Thanks to them I have the opportunity to meet up with an entertainment lawyer to get a closer look at what they do. I want to go about this in a careful and thorough way.

Kartemquin also let me borrow some of their equipment to shoot (hopefully) my first feature documentary film. THIS.IS.THE.REAL.TEST.

I have always been interested in my family's history, mostly because it has seemed so out of reach. My grandparents on both my mom and dad's side died when I was very young. I can't help but feel a certain emptiness. (I wont go into that right now). ANYWAY, I decided to do a documentary about black family secrets in the context of the Great Migration. I lost my grandparents before I could hear their stories, so I want to capture the stories of the older generations before we lose them forever. When I tried to get my grandmother to talk about her parents and where she was from, she would blow me off. She didn't want to go there...ever. It was too painful. It's super ambitious to dig for this type of information...almost too ambitious...but somehow I always do this to myself.

I filmed this project for the first time over the Thanksgiving holiday. I already feel overwhelmed. One of the mothers of my church agreed to be a part of the project. She was born in 1932. I hadn't prepared any questions for her. At this point, I don't even know what to ask. But even with the short, fragmented stories that she began to tell me about life in a small town near Jackson, Tennessee. I watched her as she relived these moments. She talked about picking cotton as a 6 year old girl and sneaking to eat strawberries while working in the heat of summer. She told me that her mom died when she was 11 and her sister took care of them, because her dad was in the streets. Tears welled up in her eyes as she told me about her uncle who was murdered for the crime of talking to a white woman. I started to ask myself if I was wrong for making her go through this. She hadn't told her grandkids any of these stories. She said that kids nowadays don't understand. I told her that I want to try to understand...


morganelisej

...To a filmmaker

Okay so...I wanna be a filmmaker, but I'm lacking the following:
a functioning macbook (RIP Steve Jobs), editing software, money, sound equipment, oh yeah and a CAMERA.

Mission impossible, right?
 
Well, I see that I'm going to have to tackle this mission in baby steps. I say to myself, "Self, what do you have going for yourself?" I think about it and realize that I have over $200,000 dollars worth of cultural capital, imagination and technical skills. All of these things are very hard to prove...

And believe me, I've already had my share of breakdowns. Just this weekend, my car (and by my car I mean my dad's car that I drive) was hit by some crazed drunken person. Well that's was the police suspected but I'm pretty sure that I have enemies...Anyway it was side swiped and is literally tore up from the floor up. Thank God for good friends who have actually gotten used to the drill of picking me up after my life has once again turned to shambles.

As I was doing my whole "woe is me" act, a friend told me that God was making me stronger. And I actually felt comforted in that moment. God is making me stronger! AMEN! But now that I think about it, what a horrible thought! --To think that God is making me stronger so that I can actually face even worse hardships in life. It's like we go through life continuously preparing for worser things to happen to us! I'm being dramatic...but that's weird, right? Can God allow me to be weak and have a great/easy life? This is when I think about those sayings that:

The best things in life are worth waiting for, fighting for etc.

But what if I just keep waiting...and fighting in vain?

One thing that I'm learning is that I can't do things alone...I struggle with that sometimes because it's not difficult to feel hatred, when it's around you. Not everyone wants me to succeed and that real. But there's nothing like having a strong support system, friends but especially family. I don't know what it is, but I've always wanted to make my family proud.

I'll take you all through my journey to be a filmmaker step by step...

and that's a promise.

MorganEliseJ

...To the natural

ALL IT TOOK... 
Okay so I've been a little quiet lately and that's because I've actually been really busy. I know, it shocked me too. I've been job searching and working on freelance projects and so on and so on. I just got an internship with one of the best documentary production companies in the nation! I'm SO excited, but I will give y'all the details in my first big "Transitions...to a Filmmaker" post.

Nevertheless, for my interview my hair was literally braided back into two huge corn rows. I managed to braid it in a way that made me look like an adult, but inside I felt like I was losing the battle. Finally, as I was getting ready for church last Sunday, my hair was not trying to cooperate. Even the relaxed hair didn't want to curl or lay down. So I said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH I'M CUTTING THIS ISH OFF!

That's all it took. One frustrated Sunday morning, and I was ready to chop it off right then and there. Thank the Baby, my mom told me to calm down and have a professional do it. We all know that could have been trouble. So, I called my trusted stylist who I have gone to since I was six-years-old and told her I wanted to start over. It's crazy how once I had made up my mind, I wanted it gone immediately. It was so urgent, which is not typical of my nonchalant attitude. Maybe I just wanted to hurry up and get it over with before I changed my mind. Maybe I was going through some kind of metamorphosis that was calling me let go...to reinvent myself...to take risks...to challenge my own image of myself...my selfCONFIDENCE. It had absolutely nothing to do with my cousins basically calling me a punk for not doing it or in rebellion of my mother telling me that my hair wasn't gonna curl...

THE BIG DAY!
Tuesday, August 30 I sat in her chair. Since she's known me all my life, she was very shocked by my decision. And also very nervous that I would be unhappy with my choice. She has seen me cry in her chair before, if my hair was trimmed to short. I swear we talked for like 20 minutes before she even dared to put those clippers to my head: "doyouwantashortcutwitharelaxer? whataboutatexturizer? icouldjustrelaxyouhairrightnow areyouSURE?"

OMG YES! DO IT NOW!

And then she did it. And NO I didn't cry...I...laughed, until we had a miscommunication about how much she was taking off the top and I grabbed my bangs and said WAIT! Let's just leave a little something up top. It's my security blanket bang (SBB). It won't be with me forever. I promise. I was just thinking, what if I want a different hairstlye one day? MY SBB gives me some versatility. I can put a little clip in it and swoop it to the side, bump it, curl it. I know some of y'all are thinking, that's a mess. But hey, I'm doing me.

Please follow me, comment, and let me know what you think! Be gentle.
So far I've been told that the shape of my head is cute, not as big as expected.
My SBB needs to cover my big forehead etc etc.

we're all beautiful,

Morganelisej

...To the natural

HAIR UPDATE:

Okay I haven't had a relaxer in about 2.5 months. I have like 1.5 inches of new growth and my hair is extremely thick. I run my fingers through my hair all the time, trying to figure out what the texture is going to be like. So far I think that my hair is gonna have some curl and spring to it (this could be wishful thinking).

A few of my cousins are natural and loving it. They are trying to talk me into chopping all my hair off. The thought runs across my mind every once in a while, when I get agitated with the mixture of textures. But I'm one of those people who look at women who have chopped their hair off and say oh...that's cute...on THEM. 

I did chop about an inch off my hair 2 weeks ago because my ends were split and my curls were looking horrible. I felt better afterwards.

I've been committed to staying away from the flat iron and teaching myself other ways to deal with the kinks. The roller/rod set worked out well for me. I'd touch it up with a curling iron, if needed. I also do the "braid out" style. A weave may be coming in the near future though. Stay tuned.

My Hair Idol:

Some things I've learned along the way:

1. Water, actually soft water (to be specific) is great moisturizer for your hair. Staying hydrated is super important as well.

2. Co-washing is basically rinsing your hair and putting conditioner in it. Do this along with deep conditioning to keep your hair healthy.

3. Avoid shampoos with "sulfates" in them. They dry out your hair.


4. Try not to straighten the hair. It causes heat damage and may cause breakage.

5. Wear your hair with confidence!

I can't even put this into words!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Transition...To Adulthood

I'M ONLY 1/5 of an ADULT: 
Can you believe that? My only qualifying factor is that I have finished school. However, I have yet to find a stable job, move out of my parents home, marry and have kids. These are the other milestones of adulthood according to this article.

While being a recent grad and unemployed, I find myself going through feelings of hopeful optimism mixed with self-questioning pessimism. After all, school is pointless if you don't get a job afterwards. So I start to think about my life choices. I say to myself: Self, why did you go to film school? Why not engineering? Why don't you already have 2-5 years of job experience?

To top it off, everyone asks me EVERY TIME THEY SEE ME whether I have found a job or not. No, I am not a productive member of society.

THE DILEMMA: I'm in Chicago
Yes I know that there are very few production companies in Chicago, but I have to have money in order to move. Industry jobs tend to be seasonal/temporary, and the connection that I do have are telling me to contact them when I get to NYC. Um...what does that mean? I would need to fly to NYC, live in a closet and then call you and maybe get a temp job? Oh no.

A NEW SURGE OF FAITH:
Lately I've been hit with a new surge of faith and optimism because fall is approaching and therefore media jobs, that tend to be seasonal, are opening up. It's very easy to slip into anxiety/depression during this time, as I am learning. Yet my faith that God has my back keeps me going. In the meantime I make up productive things to do, so I feel like I'm being productive--hence this blog.

THE ICING ON THE CAKE:
Why did the City of Chicago send me a $100 ticket in the mail. WHY WHY WHY!

I'll keep y'all posted on the job search...on my terms. DON'T ASK ME.

Faith,
MorganEliseJ

S/N This is AMAZING and so relevant to my previous post. S/O to Aziza Walker (editor).

...To Love

This probably isn't a surprise to most of you but I attended private school for my entire life, with rich suburban white kids. In a Preschool-9th grade school I was 1 of 2 black kids...the other black kid was my older male cousin. And I stood out like a sore thumb. Ever since I was 8 years old my male cousins would constantly make it their business to prevent me from dating white men. I guess they figured that I would fall in love with white men because of my day to day contact with them in school. Even as a little girl I would stare at them in disgust, as if to say "ninja, you don't even KNOW me...or what I go through."

I was convinced that white boys at my school didn't even see me as a girl. No one looked at me and I didn't care. After all, I knew I was cute. Clearly, something was wrong with them. And then it happened. A group of boys were talking about something. They turned and looked at me. I looked back at them. Then one of them said, "What? You know she's hot." I was dumbfounded thinking, so they knew I looked good all along?

I've never been asked out by a white guy. Never. I bet that's hard to believe, but it's true. I'm trying to write this post without seeming completely prejudice but...who cares. Going to a private, boarding high school with rich white kids did not make dating any easier for me. I gave up pretty early, after all I had to compete with white girls (and that's all I'll say about that...). Yes some guys were interested in black girls, but only ones who they saw as Jezebels.

When a friend sent me this article it stirred up all kinds of emotion. I feel like it's such an OLD conversation but somehow it's still relevant. Black women, why are we undateable? Why are we growing old and not marrying? Articles like these strike fear in too many of my friends, as we sit and talk about which one of us isn't going to make it down the isle. The odds are against us college educated Black women because we outnumber Black men in school and the rest are in jail or batting for the other team and blah blah...

I refuse to speak such things into existance, but it is an unfortunate reality of many women. These articles make it seems like black women hiss and claw at white men when they approach us. Am I missing something? Are white men sitting around dreaming of marrying a black women? Where are these Robin Thickes?

Excuse me for saying that Black will always be my preference. Black don't crack and I'm going to need my husband to be as fine as me when we grow old together...without botox. (Y'all should know me by now). But let me hit 28 and still be single...

Do you have jungle fever?

smooches,
MorganEliseJ

S/N

Those of you who know me very well know that I love The Wiz. What can I say? It's brilliant. And this clip is oh so fab. When I get my money right, I'm going to stop and pose in the streets just like this!

Transition...To Love

Ashley chose JP!

Let me just get one thing straight. I am NOT one of those people who looks forward to the Bachelor and The Bachelorette series to air every year... But somehow I got pulled into this year's season of The Bachelorette. I literally could not take my eyes off of the screen. As I watched JP propose to Ashley, I found myself smiling ear to ear like I was getting the ring or something. Seriously though, emotion was welling up inside me. The same goes for those friggin wedding shows on TLC that my mom (not me) is completely addicted to watching, like Say Yes to the Dress. It's like once you start watching one of these shows, you can't stop. You have to see it through. You have to see if love is going to prevail. Let's face it. We're obsessed with love stories. And not just love stories. We're obsessed with marriage weddings. That's why the whole world stopped for the Royal Wedding...but how many of us are actually concerned with the Royal Marriage? ...That's what I thought. There are very few displays of successful marriages in the media. We just love to hear about the path to love...and then the break up story.

So back to weddings:

I found myself on video chat with my friend talking about the songs we had chosen for our "first dance." Mind you, neither of us are anywhere near engaged nor are we concerned with our future hubbies' thoughts on what "our song" should be. And no I'm not telling you what it is. Somebody might steal it and then I'll be pissed! The worst part is that the song isn't the only thing I have planned out in my mind. From my bridesmaids to the father-daughter dance, my imagination runs wild. Believe me, you all will be very impressed.

Anyway, ladies, WHY DO WE DO THIS? Why do we sit around and fantasize about our wedding day and watch show like Say Yes to the Dress over and over and over again. The show is literally exactly the same every time.  I think what fascinates us is the ability to judge. To judge the dresses, the women in the dresses, to judge whether their choices are the "correct" choice, according to us.  I'm sure I'm not the only one to say nuh uh she's to [blank] for that style. See that's ugly--I don't know why she brought all her friends to the viewing.

Maybe we love these shows because they allow us to live vicariously through these women, through our own fantasies of love and marriage weddings. It's like fairy tales for grown ups. We can't help but impose our own thoughts and emotions onto the TV screen and imagine how we would do it--or compare how we had done it or would have done it, if we had $3,000.00 to buy a wedding dress (for the married readers).

Needless to say, the only dream I remember having as a little girl was to be married to a man I love so much and to have the wedding of my dreams. I don't know what that says about me, but...if it aint happening soon, at least I can watch scripted wedding shows on TV. They always have an happy ending. Pray for me, y'all.

to love,

MorganEliseJ

NOT my wedding song...but still GREAT. 

Side note: Why does my generation has to go WAY back in time to find some decent wedding song material? Whomp.

...To the natural

I wanted a straw set but the beautician talked me out of it. She said that I would need a relaxer if I wanted a straw set...I know what you're thinking. It didn't make any sense to me either. Yet, I could tell that me going natural made her just as uncomfortable as it made me. So I just let her do what she wanted to do. Then I fixed it at home. You can see the results.

I tried to mimic the "sista" in the photo and (although I have blue walls) it didn't work. I think I need to grow more hair first, so my forehead won't dominate the picture.

getting there,

MorganEliseJ

Transition...To the natural

 

My experiences with hair have been up and down. Some of my most memorable experiences deal with me running through the house trying to escape the Hot King Comb--you may know it as the "pressing comb." I wonder why my mom was so determined to get them naps out that she would chase me all through the house, by "chase" I actually mean yell from her chair that she's not gonna chase me and I better get back here NOW. Because I would create such a scene whenever she brought out the Hot King Comb, she ended up taking me to the hair salon. I was about six years old when I got my first relaxer. 

Now I don't know what kind of life crisis I'm going through--actually I do but I just don't wanna share it with y'all--but sometime during this summer I realized that I have no idea what my un-relaxed hair looks like. And frankly, I think that's kinda sad...pathetic even. So I'm stripping my hair of the heat and the chemicals. I'm writing this down, so that there is proof that I decided to do this. Therefore, I can be held accountable for my actions by my smart-mouthed friends who will undoubtedly taunt me, if I ever try to succumb to the creamy crack. Hopefully my hair turns out to look as fly as the sista in the photo. I don't know why I just said "sista."

love always,

MorganEliseJ

I decided...

There comes a time when you have to stop saying what you're going to do and just do it. This is the beginning of a journey and I decided today that I'm taking control of my destiny. At church today, the message stuck a cord with me. I realized that my nonchalant attitude, my comfort with the status quo is actually a result of my failure to trust God. So today I decided to trust Him in every way and to do everything that I said I'm going to do. I decided to write. I decided to stop playing around and find a bomb ass job. I decided to go wherever that bomb ass job is. I decided to be patient. I decided to go natural, to love, to sing. I decided to be a better friend and to be more compassionate to others. I decided...to live. So, follow me as I work through these transitions, working to become my very best self.

love always,

MorganEliseJ